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Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

How do I comfort a friend or family member who’s had a miscarriage?

Re: How do I comfort a friend or family member who’s had a miscarriage?

The Bump Expert

As with anyone suffering a loss, your friend might not want to talk about it at first. And that’s okay -- you can still be there as a silent comfort so that when she is ready, she’ll know she can tell you how she’s feeling. In the meantime, here are a few small tips for helping her through this time:

Stay considerate: Be careful with how you phrase your words of encouragement. Avoid saying things like, “You can always have another baby” or, “Maybe it was meant to be.” Instead, just stay focused on the present and let her know that she’ll get through this and that you’ll there for her as long as she needs you.

Lend a hand: You can do little things to ease her everyday life, like cook dinner or help out with errands -- anything she might not feel up to doing right away.

Be supportive: You might be tempted to try to take her mind off of things, but remember to allow her the time she needs to grieve and heal. After the initial shock has worn off, you can start planning relaxing but fun activities to do with her, like seeing a movie or treating her to a spa day.

Amy Stanford

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

Ask and listen...if she doesn't want to talk about it right now, she will soon...When I had mine one of the worst things was that some people didn't even aknwoledge anything had happend, it felt good to talk about it a couple of weeks later and it was nice having shoulders to cry on...

ClarksAngel |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

All of the above...and don't forget. Speak of the baby(s) by their names. Bring them up. Remember anniversaries like when the couple found out they were pregnant, when the baby(s) was born, when the baby(s) died, and when the due date was.

vkbaby09 |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

I completely agree with vkbaby09 - Remember dates. After my two losses, I still remember the days that they were due, even after I had my son. It is just nice to know that someone remembers. My mother took me out to dinner on my first due date, and my husband on my next. It was so thoughtful of both of them. Other than that, there is not much anyone said to me that helped... just having people there was more than I could ask for.

JenniferLoar |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

The dates are so important, I have a friend who has been so great. She has done little things on dates she knew would be hard for me. For example one month after I miscarried, she baked me cookies and wrote me a little note. It really is nice to know that it is ok to still be hurting and that your friends havent forgotten, and dont expect you to be completely over it.

KendraJoette |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

I totally agree with everything previously mentioned. My mom is the only one in our family who will mention our baby by the name we gave her, and she will call on the baby's due date & the day we lost her every year. My sisters don't understand the pain that continues to follow you with this type of loss, but they did give everyone in my family an angel christmas ornament on it so we all have it on our trees at Christmas. I did find one book that was helpful (if your friend is open to reading), while it shares many sad stories of loss, it was very cleansing to read and cry and kinda let it go. It's called "Free to Grieve", but I'm not sure of the Author. It does have a Christian approach to dealing with the loss. My parents also planted a tree in their yard in honor of the baby, which has been nice but also hard to watch it get so big over the past 3 years. Thanks for being such a good friend!!

cm-reed3 |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

I lost my first baby around 20 weeks, so I can tell you from personal experience what helps...the worst thing you can do is to say nothing at all. You can start with your version of "I'm sorry". Just acknowledging the loss is the first step. Try to be extra considerate, different things hurt different people. Ask what you can do to help. Keep trying to help even if they say no, just keep asking. So many people brought food, and told us ahead of time when they were coming. That was so nice and helped us out so much. As others have said, use the baby's name when talking about the loss and try to remember significant dates like the one month mark, the due date, and a year after...Don't say "everything happens for a reason."

meltonae |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

I am kind of a cynic and typically don’t participate in things like this, but for all the women out there like me, I feel the need to offer a different opinion. I was 11 weeks when I lost my baby 12 days ago, and just like the rest of you, I have been through a lot, physically and emotionally. However, the last thing I want right now is for others to talk to me about it, or even to look at me like they might be thinking about it. I have been open with my feelings with my husband and shared my experience with my best friend but as for everyone else, I just want act like it never happened and put it behind me. So many people want to tell me everything will be okay, or that how I’m feeling is totally normal, but honestly, I don’t care. How I feel is how I feel, normal or not. While its nice to know I have so many people in my life that care for me, I would really appreciate it if they would all listen when I say I just want to be left alone for a little while. So that is my advice. Don’t just do what you would want, or even what someone on a message board tells you. Ask your loved one what she wants and really LISTEN.

tripplaar |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

This is obvious, but don't look for reasons to explain why it happened. People like to give reasons for everything... maybe you should not have been excercising, maybe you should not have been traveling, maybe you were working too hard. I also had my sister tell her five year old that I had lost my baby- so I had to answer questions a lot. To be honest with you it would have been better if none of our families knew about it. Sometimes not thinking about what you are saying causes more pain than the miscarriage it's self. I think just letting them know that you are there if they want to talk is good... do not force a conversation.

glassgirl15 |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

I was 22 weeks along and had a miscarriage. It happened just a few weeks ago...so this is still very fresh. Letting me know you are there helps, a quick text or email or phone call just to say you are thinking about me. You reaching out will allow me to talk if I want to. And you talking to me about what you remember or are feeling helps me too. Remembering dates is good, because I remember them too. And if I cry more on certain days you will know why. If the miscarriage is new, write the dates down so next year you will remember. Don't say things like "everything happens for a reason, he's in a better place, you didn't do anything wrong" these things just annoy someone who is hurting. If I start to cry, hug me and let me cry. You don't need to say anything. Words do not take the pain away. Forgive me when I am snap at you or seem angry with you. Be understanding when I don't want to celebrate the new pregnancy in the family just yet. Understand that I am healing and it will take time. And sometimes I will be angry and sometimes I will be sad. And sometimes I will forget for a second and maybe laugh. Understand that even though your life keeps moving, mine has stopped for a while. Everyone is there the first few days when it's still new. The true friends are the ones that are still there a month later, two months later, a year later. And they are quietly, subtly letting you know that they remember too. Because a mother who has miscarried never, ever forgets. And the friends who are there long after are the ones that really help us heal the most.

tml1122 |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

NEVER try to give a reason for why a miscarriage happened. If medical experts can't provide a reason, telling someone grieving that you know why is not going to help and may in fact hurt a great deal. It was horrible when a well meaning friend suggested that I wasn't ready, my husband wasn't ready, and that somehow the miscarriage was a good thing. I had a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy at 8 weeks, and a miscarriage at 11 weeks within three years. The best thing people could have said was that they were sorry and then remember that I was suffering. My family and friends seemed to forget about it and could not understand my difficulty with babies and baby related functions. After a year, I still think they don't get it.

almostJohnson |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

It is very important to refer to the baby by his/her name. If ever brought up, always avoid calling the baby "it." When my friend lost her baby, I noticed others calling him "it" instead of his name. It helps everyone to remeber the baby as a person who was loved.

1922241 |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

The best advice I can give is.. do not say you "understand" if you've never miscarried. I miscarried 5/25/2010 at ~6:45am at 7 weeks. Luckily, my husband and I had not shared the good news with everyone. We did decide to tell immediate family what was going on. A couple of weeks a go, a friend miscarried and they had shared the news. She said the worst thing was everyone telling her they understand how she feels. It is a super sensitive time. It is going to take time to get over it. I still see pregnant women/infants everywhere. Some days, I wonder if I will ever stop noticing. And your loved one will likely have "bad days." just to be there, even if you are just sitting there saying nothing, can go a long ways. I found out the more I talked about my miscarriage, the better I could cope with it. I could not hide from the reality of the situation if I was talking about it. But it was hard for me to bring it up.. so I had some friends that I was able to actually talk to about what was going on.

lajenki2 |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

I say ditto to everything preceding my post. I also want to add avoid saying, "At least you know you can get pregnant," or "There was nothing you did to cause this." These two statements were said to me over and over this past spring. The first statement came across as some sort of consilation prize. Every month following that statement (once we were cleared to TTC) I was reminded that I "could get pregnant," even though it didn't happen. It really just made it feel more like I had some sort of problem. The second statement is no consilation either because I didn't need anyone to tell me how I could have done things differently nor did I need them to tell me I didn't do anything wrong. In my mind, they were belittling a painful experience and trying to sympathize but didn't know what to say. My advice? Say you're sorry for the loss, that you can't imagine the pain (unless you've been there) and offer your help (but listen to what the person says.)

hpbrock47 |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

I had two miscarriages four years ago- both at about 8 weeks. It was not an easy thing to go through. I agree- NEVER say you 'understand' unless you really do. And, everyone's experience is much different- keep that in mind as well. Another thing to remember is when the woman is pregnant again, after a loss, pregnancy is much different. There is a lot fo extra emotions that woman will feel. Fear of another loss is huge. Over analyzing every symptom, feeling or lack of a feeling is also very worrisome. Most of all just be considerate. A miscarriage hurts just as much as if a baby was lost after birth...

katxattack |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

All of these posts have really helped. My best friend of 15 years had a miscarriage this morning and she was 22 wks. I feel so terrible and I just don't know what I can do for her. I just recently had a baby on November 5 and I can't imagine if I were to lose her. My friend always holds her and would talk about how she can't wait for Eli to be here. My heart goes out to everyone who has miscarried.

breematt |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

Ladies I need some help. My sister and I were due about a week apart and she recently lost the baby at 14 weeks. I know how she feels, as the rest of you, this is my fourth pregnancy in 3 years...I have lost all of the previous ones. I just don't know how to be there for her when my pregnancy is still going strong. Any suggestions?

schuvalas4508 |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

Just listen and allow her to cry...check on her every few days by text or voicemail as simple as Are you ok? She will know that you are thinking about her. That's good enough. I have four sisters and one of them never called to say sorry and one text all the time asking how I am doing. The others respond weekly...I lost my baby girl after an amnio three weeks ago and I breakdown everyday or if AI go to a store and see baby items. No one said that my milk was gonna come in after the unplanned delivery...that sucks.

liamwilliams |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

My sister's best friend just suffered a miscarriage.She got out of this drug rehab San Francisco a year ago and unfortunately she couldn't refrain from taking them.Her husband taught it was a great idea for them to have a child>They're both crushed by the news and my sister goes to see her friend every day.What a misfortune

elliotfoster |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

I would just like to begin by telling you that you are a wonderful friend/family member by seeking advice for this. I think many people who have never miscarried assume that the grieving mother won't want to talk about it or wants to forget it ever happened so they can move on. For most, that couldn't be farther from the truth. When I go through a wave of sadness, I want to talk it out and cry it out if necessary. My friends and family have been wonderful to me simply because they ask "do you want to talk about it?". It's so simple and just so perfect to say to a grieving mother. Give her the control in the conversation and let her tell you what she wants. We don't need you to fix our pain, we just want you to listen. We feel like we honor our lost baby when we talk about them, so listening really goes the extra mile in this situation. Whatever you do, don't ignore the elephant in the room. I know it sounds hard to believe but acknowledging it actually helps, not hurts.

ct103 |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

Ive lost 3 pregnancies and also have had an ectopic pregnancy. I have to say that whenever someone tries to say something helpful, it tends to make me feel worse. Agreeing with the expert, do not say it was meant to be or maybe next time because we are still grieving for this time. My heart goes out to everyone who has experienced this kind of loss. My husband and I are starting to try again after a year from my last miscarriage. Please wish us well. Im not sure if I could stay sane if I lose another one.

rnar |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

One of my best friends just miscarried...we were due within a few weeks of each other. How do I comfort her? I go for my first pre-natal appointment on Tuesday and now I'm scared to death. My husband & I have tried for over a year to get pregnant, after me being told for years I could not have children, we were blessed. Now I am scared to go to the OB and get bad news. How do I comfort her while I am scared myself?

eyaustin |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

I lost my Noah to an ectopic at 6 weeks. I am just now beginning to feel the emotional effects. The first months were spent healing physically as I had surgery and blood transfusions. The one thing I wish I had now was people checking in on me. The funny thing with ectopic is that when your physically it seems you should be emotionally ok. So not the case. For those of you seeking advice, I thank you for checking. Continue to check on your loved one. Remember dates, use the babies name. If they are ready recognize them as a mom. Let them cry. Be understanding if new moms or baby announcements cause them jealousy or pain. The one thing I can't stand hearing anymore is don't give up it'll happen when it's supposed to. If your loved vents that it won't happen reassure her that you'll be there no matter what, but be respectful if she says it might not happen. Myself I want to be prepared in case it doesn't happen naturally and I need someone to recognize that that's okay. I hope this little tidbit helps.

bbellb02 |

Q&A: Comforting a loved one who’s had a miscarriage?

I've been pregnant twice and have had 2 miscarriages. I know that people mean well and probably don't know what to say but there are definitely things that should NOT be. Things like "I know how you must feel", "it wasn't meant to be" or "there was probably something wrong with it" should never be said. Remember that your friend is grieving the loss of someone very special & just be there for her. Cry with her, hug her and be supportive knowing that she will have rough patches along the way.

Sbc1779 |