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Q&A: Dealing with mom?

My mom is driving me crazy. She thinks she knows how to do everything better than I do. How do I tell her to back off without making her feel bad?

Re: My mom is driving me crazy. She thinks she knows how to do everything better than I do. How do I tell her to back off without making her feel bad?

The Bump Expert

This one is tricky, but possible. Start by thanking her for all her help and advice. Then, tell how important it is for you to test your new-mom wings, and remind her that the best way to learn is by doing it yourself. After all, isn't that what she did when you were born?

You can also try to push Mom back without pushing her away by attributing your information on baby care to a professional. Next time Mom says, “well, when I was raising you…” Respond with, “oh, I talked to the doctor about that and she said…”  One last thing to keep in mind:  New moms really do need help. Set some boundaries... but don’t close the border.

Paula Kashtan

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

I encountered the same problem myself, except a bit more on the extreme side. My mother was so overbearing that whenever my son would cry when she was around that she would tell me, "give him to me, I'll calm him down" and when I would nurse him when she was around she would want to be in the room with me and would tell me "you should have brought a bottle so I could feed him" or would keep talking and making noise so that he would get distracted and then tell me "I don't think he's hungry anymore, give him to me." It got to be very frustrating as a new mom. I did try the "the doctor said..." and the "well, I've read that..." to try to push her back a bit with all the advice that she was throwing at me, but it didn't quite work. So I decided that I just needed to be blunt with her, because I was starting to feel like she was treating my son like he was her child not mine. She would actually say "come to mom", when she would pick him up sometimes and I would remind her "no, you're grandma." So finally one day when she was trying to tell me to hand him over to her because she knew best, I told her "Look mom, I love you and appreciate your help and advice, but he's MY son and I can do this on my own." She was pretty pissed off at me for a while, but she did get over it and has been much better since. I realilze that my situation was a bit on the extreme side, but try to be as honest as you can with her and don't forget to tell her that you do appreciate what she's trying to do. Don't let it go as far as I did, set your expectations and boundaries up front. Good Luck!

AngelaLKruse |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

My mom started with the "when I was raising you..." So I took her to the baby's 2nd dr's appt with me and asked the dr about everything she'd told me pretending I'd seen it online or something and she clarified what were wives tales (those that worked and those that didn't) and what were correct. It really helped because I wasn't outright sayiing no to her advice and some of it was spot on so she got to be "right".

malcivar |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

Try the simple straight forward aproach. Go up to her with your baby and give her/him to her and say "MOm, you were the best mom I could have had but, I really need to make my own mistakes. I appreciate you trying to help me but I need some space. If I am having a hard time with something I assure you that I will come to you first. I love you Mom" Then give her a hug. I worked with my Mom and now she understands that although I need her help sometimes I really need to do my own mistakes and have some room to learn.

Alex2097 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

What do you do if it's your mom-in-law and not your mom?

AngLeb25 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

AngLeb25 I fear this will be my problem as well, my mother is law lives 8hrs away but will be on the first plane here when baby is born I'm sure.

fish_n_baby |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

I have this problem but with my Grandma... my mom doesn't live near me and grandma lives with me. I woke up the other night at 4am after only a half hour of sleep since his last feeding and was not in a good mood only to find my grandma there in the nursery just looking at him cry. I went to pick him up and put him on the changing table and she said "i didn't put him on the changing table, i cahnged him in the crib" and i just ignored her. then i took his pants off and unbuttoned his onsie just to hear her say " i didn't take his pants off, i just slipped them down" again i ignored her... As i put on his new diaper she was like " OMG look u left his diaper all lose" And by now i was PISSED, so i tried to keep my cool and just said Grandma....go to bed. I don't mind her advice but the way she said it made me feel like she thought i was a worthless mom!

Junesong_109 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

im going through the same thing :( drives me insane...we went up for easter weekend we weren't in the house for 5 mins he was fussing a little nothing major just making sounds she looked at me i think he's hungry can i make a bottle i told her no he's not hungry she asked me again if she could make a bottle i looked at her and said he is not hungry he will let me know when he's hungry she walked away he only asked for a bottle like an hour after..lets just say it was a very long 3 days i had my cracking point yesterday...i asked her if she liked having her parents tell her what to do she said no i told her do you think it would make a difference with me

Caleb201088 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

My MIL, when we found out we were pregnant, tried telling me how and what to do everything. She drove me crazy. I tried being nice but one day I just snapped on her. I later appoligized to her for snapping and she addmitted she was wrong. She told me this is my frist child and her fourth grandchild and that I needed to learn from women closer to my age or newer moms than what she was. She did also say that she's there for me if I needed to talk or needed advice.

thodges080789 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

I actually am a very blunt person, but it was my MIL who was the problem. I finally told her, he is my son. but i left the dad so now i dont have to worry about that

pastagurl@hotmail.com |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

There is some good advice here but what do you do when it is someone who has never had children of her own, never raised a child that is giving you constant advice. It is my STEP MIL; she married my husband's dad when E. was 20 and already out of the house) so she can't even say she raised her step-son. It is hard because I can't say: " You did a great job raising me..." or " You did a great job raising E...." The thing is, everyone is the perfect parent until they actually become one (I have eaten a lot of humble pie since becoming a parent myself). Someone, please, help me with what to say to her. I love her and appreciate her and I know her heart is in the right place but somehow I am more frustrated to hear it from someone who has never experienced raising a child. And honestly, I rather not get advise right now when I am so sleep deprived, just treading water, exhausted and doing the best I can. It just makes me feel worse.

scbunch |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

i feel you pain. my mom does the say thing but you know what i do about it i dont speak to her becase if i dont speak to her or i dont do anything she wont say anything or do anything either there goes your answer

laninabonita08 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

"What do you do if it's your mom-in-law and not your mom?" My MIL was down alot after we had the baby. And we talked about what we - me and him - wanted before hand, and what we thought was best. The one thing that REALLY got sorta ugly was when she wanted to help be changing diapers and wanted to use powder. We had decided against it but he still wasn't 100% used to the idea of us not using it. And somone had gave us some so it was by the changing table. I talked to him again about it and in the end it dissapeared - I think he realized how important it was to me not to use it that he just throw it away. And as for other things as long as we were united about it, it worked out with just correcting whatever it was that was bothering us with out making a big fuss about it.

diamondsbell |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

While our house is being renovating we have been staying with my family (just a few more weeks THANK GOD, lol) .. My mom has been driving me NUTS! I am a stay at home Mom too so we have been spending an insane amount of time together! My one HUGE complaint is when my daughter is doing somethuing fresh or needs to be told No, she jumps on it before me even though Im standing right there... It drives me nuts to see someone diciling my daighter in front of me. Or when she give me "tips" or "advice" on how I could do something better. Agghhh! Its nice to vent though :)

acavaioli |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

Great question. Since we had our daughter 3 weeks ago, we've noticed that everyone wants to chime in on advice. But the worst part is that it is both of our moms who are the worst. Our favorite thing for both of them to do is to try to keep her awake when they see her. They always say that babies who stay awake during the day, sleep better at night...which is completel contradictory to everything we've read. Newborns need their sleep and they need a routine. We've decided to present a unified front to both of them and just take the baby from them when it is nap time. We kindly joke, "well, that's not how we do it at our house and too many naps never hurt a baby." But they really are annoying! Hopefully it will get better with time. Hang in there!

amye28 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

haha... i'm still dealing with this! my daughter is 17 months old, and i'm pregnant with my 2nd. my mother has a one track mind, and once her mind is made up there's no stopping her. she thinks my kids are her kids. so basically my kids are my siblings. it's gross! no matter how many times i tell her, they are my kids... she never listens, but rather gets upset and leaves.

charmbracelet84 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

With my moma I will just let her know, it's my baby, and I appreciate the suggestions, but I want to do it my way, and that should be the end.

marydiggins5689 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

My mom will question everything I do - whether it's advice I've read, gotten from the pediatrician, or learned from my mother's group. So the best and most polite way I've found to answer when she questions what I'm doing, is to say "mom, they've done a lot of research and things have changed in the past 30 years."

JimDrea |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

i kinda made it easy for everyone so they wouldnt tell me how to do stuff. whilei was pregnant i told them my pet peaves. one which was tellin me i was wrong when im right and tellin me how to raise my children. they still done it so when they did i would say, "i know u done it different but every child is different and every mom has to learn." in a nice way and i had no more problems. if i did i was gonna tell them its not their child. im blunt when i have to be but i try hard to be nice.

PamelaD10 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

I'm so glad that I am not the only that has this problem. While I haven't had the baby yet, my husband and I are already preparing ourselves for my mother. She is coming to stay with us for three weeks (we live in California and she lives in Chicago) and we are already feeling like that will be too long. And she had the nerve to say that if the baby wasn't born early she would probably have to take an extra week off of work so that she can bond with the baby. Which would mean that her stay would completely overlap with my husbands family coming to visit, to which she said that she would have to fight my MIL for time with the baby. This is going to be an interesting Christmas...

edenewellis |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

I've had zero problems out of my Mom.. even with my first child when I was a teen Mom at the age of 15. I had the most problems out of my Grandma (Dad's Mom) and my Dad. This time around, I'm 24 and this is my second child but my Husband's first.. I've had no issues really. I received a lot of crap for BF'ing my first child but no one has said anything this time.. the only thing I got questioned heavily on was the fact that I chose not to circumsize my son. We got a lot of crap for that decision but point blank said.. "It was my Husband and I's decision, there are new studies out that were not out when you guys were having children, and they show that it is not always in the best interest of the child to circ. so we decided to leave it alone." -- They haven't said anything since. :)

snorth86 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

I was happy to find this Q&A...I luckily have been able to be blunt with my parents about when they tell me what to do with my son, but with my bf's family it hasn't been so easy. His mom always wanted to have more kids, especially a girl (she has made it known several times before and after I delivered my son that she wished he was a boy and to several family members), but only had him and 1 other boy bc her husband didn't want anymore. The SIL and I had over lapping pregnancies and it drove me nuts to watch my bf's mother take his nephew from the mom when he was crying and litterally saying "i call the baby".... when i finally had my son she got upset that I wouldn't breastfeed infront of her or his family. after I went back to work my parents started taking my son on my weekends I work since I do overnights and get really tired... My bf's mom thinks that she's entitled to do so also just b/c my parents do ( and makes whiny noises or has commented to my bf's nephew when he says "i'll wacht him" (he's 11) that she doesn't even get to....if she hears they have him for the weekend, but has made no effort to see my son other than when we go to her house or family functions (she also hogs him and goes around me to have him..she won't take him from me, but everyone else)... when she see's me getting a bottle or meal ready for my son and can see her out of the corner of my eye "preparing" to feed him or physically gets between me and my son to try to make me let her do things.. I haven't dealt well with it since I have started taking him to see her less and less..my bf also always sides with her, as a coworker said to me "those are the parents that break up relationships"....she's doing a good job.

dschuster |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

Just tell them that their advise will be taking, but they had their turn and now its your, and you need to raise her the way you want

Belle2708 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

My mother has had 11 children and therefore deems herself the authority on all things baby. But she has led me astray with many of her 'facts' like what happens at the hospital.

amymichelle789 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

My mom is the same way...although I am only 19 I still have a problem with my mom telling me wat to do. Through out my whole pregnancy I wasn't with my daughters fther so my mom was my only support but when I became 8 months me and john (my daughters father ) worked things out and he moved in with me nd my mom. My mom would say that jewels(my daughter) was hers and would make small remarks when I was pregnant. Now my daughter is 8 months old and she is still giving me advice. Just today my daugter was cryin because she had gas and she was screaming so I was comforting her while giving her mylicon and my mom just kept saying give her to me I will calm her down nd ii said no nicely 3 times until finally the screaming nd her repeating herself made me snp amd I said no mom she is my child and she got all upset nd walked away. Thi isn't the first time I have told her in that way but she still doesn't get the hint I even tried sayin it nicely. I just don't knoe wat else to do because its makin me and my fiance fight a lot. Any suggestions? Thank you venting this out has felt good causey moms my only friend these days.

jessiica611 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

although i do not have my baby yet i feel like i will have this problam with my mother in law, she refers to my baby as our baby os sometimes even my baby. she tries to do everything and buy everything so i did not know what to do. I finally came up with the simple statement of, yes i know that you love this baby and your help is appriciated but we cannot rely on you for everything once she gets here. i do not know if her feelings were hurt but i did seem to work

korydean |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

Honesty is the best way to go, because your baby will end up getting upset whenever she's around...because YOU get upset or tense. I went through this with my father. He was super overbearing and actually would talk bad about me to my baby in front of me. LOL. He was definitely acting as though it was his child, not mine and I eventually had to tell him to back off. I would just say to your mother "You are starting to stress me out and it's affecting feeding the baby and my time bonding with him/her. If you can't start letting me do this my way, I am going to have to limit our visits." that will terrify her and she will listen to you. Nothing scares a new grandparent more than the threat of spending one less second with the baby.

sw41410 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

I've had problems with both my mom, and my MIL. With my mom I finally had to stop talking to her for a few days (ignoring calls/texts, etc.) for her to realize that I was serious about her interfering with mine and my husband's parenting. My MIL got the picture when I posted on my FB something about my daughter and, after her previously getting preachy about other things I'd posted, making a comment after saying that no one's opinion was wanted and to keep it to themselves. She didn't say anything again. Well, other than her ongoing attempts to get me to send my daughter to the catholic school she teaches at (I'm not a catholic) but she'll learn soon.

Jerzey23 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

Ha, this is kind of like when you were thirteen and your mom INSISTED that you would never wear the purple tube top. Remind her that it's your baby, and give a gentle "Mom, I know what I'm doing."

StitchyKay |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

To save money and to give me a long break from work, we have moved in with his parents. Any tips on dealing with the in-laws wanting to do everything with the baby and helping me deal with the loss of personal space? I am a very independent person and moving into his house has made me feel smothered. Help!! Is anyone else experiencing something like this??

Becca14261 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

When my mom came to visit right after my son was born, she would constantly tell me that I did not have BF him every 2-3 hours and to just feed him when he woke up from hunger because that was the way her mom did it. I was formula fed so my mom has no experience with BFing. I just gentle told my mom that, "A lot has changed in the last __ years. The doctor has told me to breastfeed that often to help him grow healthy and to help my milk supply". Any time now, if she criticizes me or gives me "advice", I just tell her that the doctor told me to do it this way and it helps for a while.

brendak611 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

We've been having problems with my stepmom since I was in labor in the hospital. I've gotten along with her just fine since she married my Dad 6 years ago, so this dumbfounds me! My Mother passed away 11 years ago, so I would give ANYTHING for her to be here to experience her first grandchild. My stepmom thinks that she knows everything and we do everything wrong. She actually told my lactation consultant at the hospital that she was teaching me the wrong way to breastfeed!!! How embarrassing! After that, I had the nurse kick her out everytime I breastfed, and she was so mad about that. My fiance was changing LO first dirty diaper and my stepmom actually PUSHED him out of the way and did it herself. She said he was doing it too slow. My fiance had a few words with her about that. It has been non-stop since the day he was born and he's 4 1/2 months old now! My Dad and stepmom watch him while I work everyday, so it makes it even more difficult because we're at her mercy to watch him. We can't afford daycare right now. My fiance and I have had multiple talks with her, but it seems to only put a band aid on the situation. We've tried calmly talking to her, yelling at her, you name it. I wish that my fiance made enough money for me to stay home with LO, but what you gonna do? That's life.

khudsonstl |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

This is my mother in law, she makes comments like "mommy loves you but grandma loves you more" and "wheres my baby haven't seen him in a whole day". Really is driving me crazy!!! Those are 90% of our arguements with my husband since Landin was born, he thinks she means no harm by it.

lvesqui |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

You all so luck to have mom around!! Other people can be annoying but I will give the world to have my mom with me. My husband is military and we were transfer to Japan. I did everything alone since I was pregnant I wish she was here now I have to Skype her for advice. You only know what you had when is gone!!

kabandrade |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

Help! My mother in law and her two sisters are driving me up the wall to the point I get so angry and hide in my room when they come over. I live with my mother in law and. She means well but she s Mexican so she does have her own thoughts as to what should be done. But I've given her ideas a shot I felt they did not work and asked her please don't Giver my son oil or tie things around his hernia it just makes his tummy problems worse. But today I went store for five minutes he was asleep when I left and asleep when I got back but I found the oil open on the counter and asked her did you give my baby oil? She said no then a few minutes later said he woke up screaming I was going to give him some but could not find the dropper. I've been blunt with my fiance there brother saying I do not want you to do this to my son I'm his mom and I know what I'm doing. I have twelve sibling for crying out loud. And my finances aunts always say are you always going to listen to what the doctors say? We did this with our kids all the time. One day she asked a nurse where she works if there was something I could get from the pharmacy for my baby's colicky tummy. She called me and told me there was this thing called gripe water so I went to pharmacy and the pharmasist pointed out the gripe water and some gas drops so I got them and gave them a try. When I got home the aunt was there asked if she could hold him and started speaking to him in Spanish saying see your mom can't always listen to the doctors....your mommy needs to be smart yeah your mamma needs to be smart and listen to us. Ugh I'm so frustrated what do I do?!

spaceystacy77 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

A colleague gave me a great line to use: Thank you for the advice, but please don't be offended if we don't take it. Baby isn't due 'til May 5, 2012, but I'm already gearing up to use that line!

soon2BaRudy |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

charmbracelet84 I understand your pain, my well wishing mother also tends to be on the controlling kind and feels that she knows better and undermines me. My oldest girls know how she is, but my baby just turned a year and I'll be damned if I am going to let her dictate how to raise him or allow her to try and take control.

TessenX |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

My mother seems to think that since my boyfriend and I aren't married, our baby should have my last name.... She doesn't realize that me giving our baby my last name is like punching my boyfriend in the face..... my mom is constantly giving me grief and always thinks she knows best. Things have changed since shes had kids. She doesn't seem to care that what she says is actually hurtful, and her advice isn't very helpful. Its hard to have those feelings about your mom, but here lately, I would just rather not hear her mouth, especially with all these extra hormones..

keirstan17 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

Be thankful that you have a mom! I found out I was pregnant a week after my mother died from mestatic breast cancer. I would KILL to have my mother's advice and help.

evelynasantiago |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

My mother inlaw is like that and I hate it

jssica2 |

Q&A: Dealing with mom?

My daughter is 3 months and she had a diaper rash about a month ago, her pediatrician told us to use diaper rash cream. My mother in law insisted that the DR. was wrong and that it was some type of other rash. When I told her that her pediatrician said it was diaper rash, she told me Well I know better than the DR. so listen to me. GRR i wanted to rip my hair out.

sofresh1982 |