CircleBumpCheckedFilledMedicalBookmarkBookmarkTickBookmarkAddCheckBoxCheckBoxFilled

Get the Help You Want When Baby Comes Home

It can be tough to know what kind of help (and how much) you’ll need—and want—when baby arrives. Here's what this mom learned.
save article
profile picture of Kelly Alfieri
Updated May 2, 2017
Hero Image

When I was pregnant with twins, my husband and I were trying to figure out what help we’d need when our babies came home. Other moms insisted that we needed a baby nurse who would take care of the twins in the nighttime. This person would teach me how to care for the babies and let me get more sleep at night, since I could stay in bed and pump breast milk while she gave the children a bottle. I had a funny feeling about the idea, but I went with it and hired someone before the babies were even born.

After delivery, I stayed in the hospital nearly a week and my newborns were in the NICU, so I wasn’t able to spend much time with them. Finally, I was able to bring my daughter home, but my son had to stay in the hospital for a few more days. I was thrilled to come home and wanted to spend every second with my new baby and my husband.

But it felt weird having a stranger with us in our home at every moment. I had little privacy, and this special time was spoiled. At one point, I let the baby nurse take my daughter into the nursery to rock her to sleep while I went to clean the kitchen. While loading the dishwasher, I burst into tears. Why was I cleaning the kitchen instead of being with my new baby? I realized I’d much rather be with my daughter and have someone else tidy up. The next day, we gave the baby nurse a full week’s pay (a hefty sum!) and told her she didn’t need to come back.

Related Video

Knowing What Kind of Help You Need

What I learned is, before you bring baby home from the hospital, it’s tough to know how much and what kind of help you’ll need and want. Often, moms will overestimate or underestimate what they’ll need and end up with too much, too little or the wrong kind of help (like I did). And when you’re running on little sleep and recovering from childbirth, that can seem devastating.

Finding the right support can be tricky, but remember that the help isn’t just for you—it’s for you, baby and your family. Not enough help can lead to stress and sleep deprivation, making breastfeeding difficult, and hurting your physical and mental well-being. A weak support system can lead to isolation and can contribute to postpartum stress.

So how the heck do you figure it out? “Take a few days with the baby and experience what it’s like, and then you can decide what help will really help you,” says Lisa Spiegel, director of Soho Parenting, a support center for parents in New York City. That could mean resisting offers from family members or friends to come and help in those first days. It’s important to do this, so you find a rhythm with baby and so you have a true sense of what will lighten your load—whether it’s cleaning, cooking or help taking care of baby. “People have so much advice about what women should do, but it’s so personal,” says Spiegel, which is why she encourages couples to use their personal experience to figure out what will be most helpful to them.

Getting Help From Your Partner

Many new moms feel like they could use more help from their spouse but wrongly believe that their partner will simply know what needs to be done. “We need to debunk the myth that this should happen seamlessly,” says Spiegel. “Adults need to say what they need. Partners would never run a business without meeting, but we think that our partners should just know what’s needed. It’s about meeting and talking and problem solving together.” Spiegel recommends that new parents have a 15-minute meeting each day to check in, talk about what’s going on and figure out what each can and should be doing.

Getting Help From Family

Some new moms find themselves fighting off eager new grandparents who are launching a full-scale invasion of their home, while others wish they had more people available to help. If family members will be a primary source of support, you’ll need to manage their help and spread it out over time. “It’s a marathon, not a sprint,” says Spiegel. If everyone is planning on coming right after baby is born, you could find yourself overwhelmed initially and without a soul in sight a few weeks later. Spiegel advises moms to be appreciative of the help offered but to let family members know it’s is needed in an ongoing way, so spreading it out would be most beneficial.

Many moms could benefit from more support but feel shy about asking. If that’s you, Spiegel says to remind yourself that asking for help isn’t just good for you, it’s best for baby. “Practice asking for help for baby,” says Spiegel. Yup, go ahead and ask them to help with baby’s laundry or to pick up diapers for baby, instead of asking them to do something for you, if that makes you feel more comfortable. If your instinct is to say no when someone offers help, make it a point to start saying yes. With a new baby, there’s always a chore waiting to be done, whether it’s laundry to fold, something to be picked up at the grocery store or garbage to go out. If a friend comes by and offers help, give her a task. You’ll be grateful to scratch something off your to-do list, and she’ll feel good about being able to help.

Getting Help From a Paid Caregiver

If you don’t have family or friends who can help—or don’t want to ask—and you can afford it, you may want to hire a doula or baby nurse to lend a hand. If you think you may want to hire one, you can interview candidates while you’re still pregnant and narrow the field before baby is born. Or call someone after you settle in.

postpartum doula helps support a new mom and family after baby arrives. To find a doula in your area, you can get recommendations from friends and family, or use the finder tool on the Doula Organization of North America website. And use our checklist for interviewing a doula for questions to ask.

A baby nurse isn’t actually a nurse—it’s more like a nanny who helps parents care for their newborn. Baby nurses usually stay in a family’s home 24/7, and many new parents use them for a short period of time (two weeks, a month) so they can get some sleep at night.

save article
ADVERTISEMENT

Next on Your Reading List

Mom with her two toddler daughters who are close in age.
What Are Irish Twins?
Medically Reviewed by Kendra Segura, MD
best twin cribs and bassinets 2022
8 Best Twin Cribs for Babies
By Martina Garvey
10 best double strollers-hero
The 10 Best Double Strollers for Your Twosome
By Lynsey Eidell
ADVERTISEMENT
Q&A: Dealing With Two Babies?
Q&A: Dealing With Two Babies?
By Erin van Vuuren
twin baby girls sitting on their dad's lap while he reads them a book
Identical Twins Actually Aren’t Perfect Genetic Clones, Study Says
By Nehal Aggarwal
twins laying down and looking curious
17 Photos of Twins and Multiples That’ll Melt Your Heart
By The Bump Editors
parents holding their newborn triplets
4 Things I’ve Learned as a Mom of Triplets
By Karen Fassetta
ADVERTISEMENT
5 illustrated medals with stroller icon on each
California Dad Tries to Break Guinness World Record Running Marathons With His Quintuplets
By Stephanie Grassullo
second case ever of semi identical boy and girl twins
Doctors Just Identified the World's Second Case Ever of Semi-Identical Twins
By Stephanie Grassullo
4 eggs in rainbow light represnting miracle ivf quadruplet story
Grandma Becomes Oldest Woman in the UK to Give Birth to Quadruplets
By Stephanie Grassullo
ADVERTISEMENT
Three ‘Grandmas’ Answer Single Mom’s Plea for Help With Triplets
Three ‘Grandmas’ Answer Single Mom’s Plea for Help With Triplets
By Ashley Edwards Walker
twins playing outside on blanket
Twins: Fact or Fiction?
By Elena Donovan Mauer
Secrets for Moms of Multiples
Secrets for Moms of Multiples
By Leah Rocketto
ADVERTISEMENT
What to Buy (and What to Skip!) When It Comes To Multiples
What to Buy (and What to Skip!) When It Comes To Multiples
By Mercedes R. Donis
How to Entertain Twin Toddlers?
How to Entertain Twin Toddlers?
By Preeti Parikh, MD
mom hugging twin toddler girls
How to Keep Twins From Fighting?
By Preeti Parikh, MD
How to Keep a Twin Healthy When the Other Is Sick?
How to Keep a Twin Healthy When the Other Is Sick?
By Preeti Parikh, MD
ADVERTISEMENT
Q&A: Breastfeeding Twins?
Q&A: Breastfeeding Twins?
By Karen Gromada, MSN, RN, IBCLC, FILCA
Should Twins or Triplets Sleep in the Same Room?
Should Twins or Triplets Sleep in the Same Room?
By Excerpted from The Baby Bump, Twins and Triplets Edition
Getting Twins on a Schedule?
Getting Twins on a Schedule?
By Excerpted from The Baby Bump, Twins and Triplets Edition
ADVERTISEMENT
Article removed.
Article removed.
Name added. View Your List