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Q&A: Sharing nighttime duties with husband?

I’ve never been so tired in my life, and my husband won’t get up during the night to feed the baby. I don’t want to nag (but I don’t want to get up either). Any advice?

Re: I’ve never been so tired in my life, and my husband won’t get up during the night to feed the baby. I don’t want to nag (but I don’t want to get up either). Any advice?

The Bump Expert

Have you tried the megaphone-in-his-ear approach? Kidding. A better idea is having a calm conversation when you’re not at your wits' end... or dealing with a cranky baby. Don’t attack; instead, let him know how exhausted you are (he might not realize), and explain that it's important for your relationship -- as well as his relationship with his baby -- that he take on this responsibility.
 
Remind him that he’s not your helper, he's your partner -- meaning he should be just as engaged in raising baby as you are. And yes, that includes changing poopy diapers and getting up for night feedings. If he’s scared of doing it wrong, remind him that you’re new at this too. Once he’s on board, let him do things his way. In other words, stop looking over his shoulder and pointing out mistakes.

Paula Kashtan | May 08 , 2009 10:19 AM

re: Q: Sharing Nighttime Duties?

I want to ask my husband to help out at night but, I feel guilty asking him to. I quit my job to stay home with our son and my husband gets up early to go to work. I can nap when the baby sleeps and he has to work all day. Should I look at this differently?

sarahb25 | February 04 , 2008 4:47 PM

re: Q: Sharing nighttime duties?

I'll never forget our first night home with our baby. He wasnt up all night but it was still a night with a newborn. The next morning my husband wakes up at like 7:30 and goes "man he slept good" if looks could kill he'd be dead. Ever since then he wakes up at just about anything the baby does.

lovemoose5506 | June 05 , 2008 3:13 PM

re: Q: Sharing nighttime duties?

Before we go to bed every night we ask each other, "what does your morning look like? What is your current 'tired' level? How do we want to do night time feeds (who takes first feed, 2nd...etc)? this usually helps because we know which one we are taking and then it seems more fair....we've compromised!!!

jejo13 | June 16 , 2008 5:56 PM

re: Q: Sharing nighttime duties?

If you're a SAHM or you're in the first few weeks and still on leave, I would suggest taking the 2/3 approach- You get up twice, he gets up once, you get up twice, he gets us once, etc. This is even more helpful if you'll be going back to work while baby is still not sleeping through the night completely, because DH will be used to being part of the routine. It's a lot easier to start this way and then modify the schedule, than it is to do it alone for 2 months and then expect full support. Just remind him that your days are busy, too, and that even though they may have a little bit more flexibility at times, you have a VERY stressful job. If you're already working equal hours, I'd just jump into taking turns OR you take every feeding until one, and he takes every feeding after one. (If getting up regularly keeps you sleepy, this can help you feel like you got one long stretch instead of 5 tiny cat naps.)

rebleigh1 | May 26 , 2009 10:12 AM

Q&A: Sharing nighttime duties with husband?

I've arranged with my husband to change our sons diapers when he wakes at night and then I do the feedings since I'm breast feeding exclusively. I use to be up for 45-60 minutes at least and now I have cut it down to 30 minutes sometimes less with our new system. I use to do it all and that was leaving me resentful I also use to change his diaper after I fed him waking him back up and then I'd have to rock him till he became sleepy again. Our baby goes straight back to bed after feeding during the night now. Having my husband do the diaper changes at night have helped me tremendously not only with sleep but I don't feel resentful knowing that he gets up even if it is just for 5 minutes.

keewhee | February 17 , 2010 12:35 AM

Q&A: Sharing nighttime duties with husband?

I handled all of the night feedings while I was on maternity leave. Now that I am back at work my husband and I do every other night. That way we know we are going to eventually get a full night of sleep. This approach has been amazing!

MeganJack1 | May 19 , 2010 7:42 AM

Q&A: Sharing nighttime duties with husband?

YES you should share nighttime duties, they stink!! I work days and he works evenings. We would take turns getting up at night. At first we'd do every other time such as 10, 2, 6 and he'd do 12, 4, 8. Once I went back to work I'd do 12 and 3 or 4, anything after 4am he would get up and do so I could sleep a few hours straight before work. It was a life-saver, being able to get 4 hours straight of sleep!! As for how, just wake him up! I was telling him how exhausted I was, he said "aww, I didn't hear him, you should have woken me up." And boy I held him to that whether he liked it or not. If he didn't hear him, I'd roll over and tell him to get up. Your sanity is just as important as his, if not a little more since you are taking care of a baby.

green6 | November 01 , 2010 8:14 PM

Q&A: Sharing nighttime duties with husband?

I think we should tell them the truth , It is the only way we could achieve successful marriage . casino play

JackJohn | December 13 , 2011 3:34 AM

Q&A: Sharing nighttime duties with husband?

I was sharing nightime duties with my husband but i'm on maternity leave now and can rest during the day and he has to leave to work so we decided that I have to do night time feedings and if the baby gets up. Not something I really want to do but I have to be fair to him since i'm home and hes at work in the day time.

Natalie3398 | April 05 , 2012 4:25 PM

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