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Q&A: Partner unsure about adoption?

I would like to adopt, but my husband is not on board.  I don’t know whether I should be pursuing something this major without him being 100% committed.

Re: I would like to adopt, but my husband is not on board.  I don’t know whether I should be pursuing something this major without him being 100% committed.

The Bump Expert

When I hear adoption professionals say that you shouldn’t consider adoption unless both partners are 100% on board, I wonder what planet they are living on. From my interviews with well over a hundred adopting couples, I have found that in the beginning almost always one partner is more interested in adoption than the other. There aren’t easy answers on what to do when one spouse wants to adopt and the other does not. This decision will alter both of your lives forever and no one deserves to be coerced or guilted into parenthood.

It is very important to understand why your partner is hesitant to adopt. Don’t assume you know. He could be worried about whether he can love an adopted child, how much it costs to adopt, whether he is too old to be a dad, or how will his parents or biological kids react? The point is, you won’t know unless you ask, and, more important, listen to his response rather than plan your rebuttal. And, as strange as this may seem, share your own concerns about adoption with him. (Come on, you know you have them.)

Let him know that you want to start getting educated on adoption and ask his permission to share the information with him as you go along. Don’t expect him to be as enthusiastic as you. In the meantime, spend time enjoying your life as a couple. Remember why you married each other in the first place.

Attend together an “in person” support group for adoptive families or an informational meeting at an adoption agency, with the promise that this does not mean a commitment to adopt. Spending time with families formed by adoption is amazingly helpful to normalize the process and to provide an opportunity to ask questions. If your spouse feels it is too soon to do this, agree to revisit this option at a set time in the future. Don’t hesitate to visit a therapist to help with communication, and if applicable, choose one that understands infertility issues.

As hard as it may be, give your partner time. Each of us has a different speed and style for processing grief and making decisions.

Dawn Davenport

Q&A: Partner unsure about adoption?

My husband and I have been trying to concieve for over a year now. While we have started to see results with the clomid and I am ovulating we still aren't pregnant. I want to start the adoption process, he is unsure. I talked to my MIL and she told me to fill out the paperwork and then hand it to him and tell him we are doing it. He will love the child no matter what. It doesn't mean I want to stop trying to concieve. I just want to fill that hole in my heart. I long to be a mother more than anything.

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Q&A: Partner unsure about adoption?

Adpotion is a hard decsion to make. And Making a choice like this with the other partner not even consdering then it shouldnt be possible. I say this is because of course helping someone is the most postive choice ever but if you guys are married then that comes first. When you married both of course have to come to a full agreement. How bout the two of you re-think this decsion over or even try having kids of your own. Plus when adpoting someone else do need all of the support as possible.

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Q&A: Partner unsure about adoption?

I want to adopt a child but my husband wasn't on board with it either. I'm currently pregnant but want to adopt at least one child. I was adopted at 6 and consider adoption to be a saving grace for some children. I just showed him stories of how adoption changed different children's life and he slowly but surely got on board with me.

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